Don't Want None Of That

Dear Hoodie,

As I watch you changing daily, gnawing on your cuticles and picking at your face, trying to figure out what's real about this world and what's fabricated, I want to jump on your ass and cram you into a box and not let you out ever again.

No really, it upsets me to see you changing all the time, doing this "I'm growing up" thing. I could really care less if I did it to my parents because MY growing up didn't rip their hearts out like you're doing to me!

I can't stand to see you leave your childhood behind. You loom in the distance like a tall, willowy figure. Except for the times you hunch over with your hands thrust into your hoodie and your chin at your chest because walking upright isn't cool.

Oh sweet child of mine, one minute you're wanting to play (just for old times sake) the old peek a boo game that would cause you to emit hiccup-laced giggles as a baby and the next, your ass is stuck to the desk chair because you're addicted to MySpace or you're texting on your cell phone to "too-pretty-for-their-own-good" girls.

You can definitely be four seasons in one day. I know you have a lot of turmoil to put up with inside your head. I know that sticking out for ANY reason is far too stressful than being one of the walking lemmings. I know that while your nearly 16 years of life haven't been the most conventional, they certainly have been hundreds of times better than most.

Which is why I cannot abide by the disrespectful nature you have been adopting lately.

My son, until you are old enough to leave the house and begin your own journey through this world, you WILL abide by my rules. These rules are set by me for your own protection, safety and all around wellness.

I am trying to help you become a sensible person who makes decisions based upon logic instead of flipping a coin. I would also rather see you come to despise me for making you get up and go to school only to be "BORED TO DEATH" for six and a half hours a day, than hear you asking me if I want to upsize my order a few short years from now.

I do NOT want to run your life. I repeat: I DO NOT WANT TO RUN YOUR LIFE! You're a totally cool cat for the most part who makes sound decisions and gets decent grades (you could do much better though with just a small amount of effort!).

However, until the day comes when you are sufficiently capable of doing it ALL on your own, I will be your superior officer lording over you with the 40 years of experience you lack.

I may not know everything, but I sure do know a lot more than you! So don't you DARE give me that icy glare through your hair, because I will catapult you into next week so fast, your clothes will be last year's cast offs!

I know you love me. I know you're a good person. I know you detest waking up in the morning just as much as I do. But guess what? Going to school is the EASY part! Getting an education is so much BETTER than working day after day in a dead-end job. You can be ANYTHING you want my boy. The sky is the limit, and with the space program -- it probably isn't even that! You are so smart and you're a natural at so many things, just don't sell yourself short!

You know I'm your #1 fan. You do for me and I'm there for you. Please take the trash out and make sure the dogs get their dinner. Please just cut out this business of being conveniently lazy! Your brain is too good to waste.

I love you my boy, my son, my darling baby.